God is good. All the time.

I am completely blown away by this, and I'm still thinking of it hours after I watched it for the first time.  It will take me some time to process it, and I'm sure I will write about it later.  For now, enjoy!



The Story of Ian & Larissa from Desiring God on Vimeo.

Blessings in Disguise

To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. Isaiah 61:1

Once again, this - my life's verse, has proven true.

God has a wonderful way of turning things around. Now that I find myself on the other side of the death of my beloved Pippa (see this post), I can see that God had His hand in so many of the events leading up it, and even during it. I am just now making sense of some of the things that happened along the way that I didn't understand at the time.

For instance, I wondered why my Pippa didn't die from pneumonia after Thanksgiving. He was hospitalized two different times before being sent to a hospice care facility. However, when he "improved", he had to leave; too well to stay, yet too sick to return to assisted living. I was upset at the thought of him lingering in a bedridden state, and wondered why God would let him suffer in that way. I see now that I was only focusing on his physical state. A blessing I missed at the time was that because he was too sick to return to the assisted living facility where he and my Neana had been living in for the previous 18 months, he was able to move back to his home. Given the choice of him going to a nursing home or his home where he lived for 50+years, my family chose to take him home with around-the-clock care. We moved him out of hospice and my Neana back home the day before Christmas. His getting to live his last weeks in the comfort of his own home with my grandmother by his side was a huge blessing for him and for for her. The fact that she didn't have to go back to the assisted living facility alone was another blessing. Thank you, God, for always providing what we need, sometimes even before we need it.

Another blessing I missed at the time was the way that I was prepared for the possibility of not seeing him "one last time" before he died. I got a call around 6:00pm on Thursday, February 9th, telling me I'd better go to Arkansas soon. I knew I couldn't make the 5 hour-trip until the next morning after I dropped the kids off at school, so I went to bed praying that I'd be able to see him before he died. Looking back, I know that was a very selfish prayer, but it was all I could think of at the time. Later that night, at 3:21am (I know this because I looked at the clock on my phone), I was awakened by what I thought was lightning outside my window. When I kept my eyes open but saw no lightning nor heard any thunder, I closed my eyes to try to go back to sleep. As soon as I closed my eyes, a fantastic light show went off behind my lids. It was like fireworks! Every time I opened my eyes, the lights would disappear. This "show" lasted awhile before I was able to eventually fall back to sleep. The first thought I had the next morning, was, "What if my Pippa died and that was the celebration going off in my mind's eye?" I told my husband as much, and also said, "I know if he did die, my family wouldn't tell me because I have to drive 5 hours today." In a strange way, my heart and mind were prepared for the thing that eventually did happen - I wasn't there when he died. I had gone to bed desperately hoping I'd make it in time to see him before he died, but I had woken up with an unexpected sense of peace that it would be OK even if I wasn't able to. Thank you God, for preparing us for the future while we are yet living in the present. Thank you for going before us and planning out the way we should walk in.


The very coolest blessing in disguise is something I didn't even find out about until a week after it occurred. During my drive to Arkansas that Friday morning, I experienced a myriad of emotions. I made my way through the usual suspects - sadness, guilt, regret, and shock, when out of nowhere a strange emotion hijacked my senses: I was overcome with excitement. It was such an odd thing to be feeling, and I remarked as much to the person with whom I was talking on the phone. She agreed that it was strange and asked me to try to explain. I said, "All I know is that I feel really excited to see someone who is about to see Jesus.". That is the feeling that carried me through the rest of the trip, and I could hardly stay below the speed limit. When I arrived home around 1:00 and found out that my Pippa had passed away, the first thing I did was run in and take his face in my hands and say, "You're already there [in heaven]!" I felt more joy than sadness and spent the next few hours holding his hand just feeling very peaceful. I did cry tears of sadness later on, but for that moment in time, I was just happy for him. What I didn't know until a week later was the timing of that unexpected feeling that overcame me, and I had forgotten who I was on the phone with at the time to ask her more about it. As it turns out, the same friend I had been on the phone with going to Arkansas called me as I was getting back to my home in Texas. She asked me how the week was, and when I was telling her that my Pippa had died at 11:30, and that I wasn't able to see him until 1:00, she asked me if I remembered being on the phone with her that day and telling her about the strange excitement I felt at seeing him. I said, "Yes I do! That was you?" She said it was, then asked me again what time Pippa died. When I told her, she said that she called me that day when she was leaving an appointment she had gotten out of a little after 11:00. She reminded me that we talked for awhile and were likely on the phone when he died. I got chills when I realized that the feeling of excitement that came over me out of the blue AT THAT EXACT TIME was likely from God. I think that my Pippa was excited to see Jesus - after all, he spent most of his days on earth with his eye on the prize that Paul talked about in Acts and 2 Timothy:

For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. (2 Timothy 4:6-8 NIV)

My Pippa and I weren't just physically bound by flesh and blood because of shared genetics, we are bound spiritually because the same God lives in us both. Although I wasn't physically present when my Pippa died, my soul was there with him. I think that God allowed me a glimpse of something that couldn't be seen with human eyes. My soul saw and shared the same excitement that I'm certain my Pippa experienced at seeing Jesus face to face. I had never experienced the death of a loved one before he died, and I used to imagine having to actively seek out little spots of joy and happiness in the dark, deep midst of sorrow and loss. What I have found to be true, though, is that I don't have to find joy - it finds me. Thank You, God, that Your peace truly does pass understanding. Thank You, God, for Your unwavering pursuit of me. I know that You will find me wherever I am and draw me closer to You. Thank You, God, for loving us all the crazy/beautiful way You do. Amen.

Death is Nothing at All

Beloved friends, thank you so much for your prayers today. I have felt the peace that only God can bestow.

My Pippa died peacefully at home today at 11:30am. When I got here at 1:00, he was still warm and looked just like he was sleeping. I had the honor of sitting with him for about 3 hours until the funeral home came for his body. I sat across from my Neana on one side of his bed and held the hand that held mine for all these years. I stroked his hair the way he would stroke mine as a child. I patted his bald head and it reminded me of how when I was a child, he would take a quick after-lunch nap, I would run across the carpet and give him a little shock of static electricity on his head.  That time and those memories are blessings I will cherish for the rest of my life. Just looking at his body, now just an empty shell, weathered and bruised by 86+ years of living and knowing that now he is in heaven with Jesus filled me with indescribable joy.

Another wonderful blessing I've discovered today is that not only can sadness and joy coexist, but joy can outshine sadness. It doesn't erase it completely but it comes alive amongst the tears and alleviates despair by reminding us that the hope of heaven awaits some day.  I know that I will hug and hold and talk to my Pippa again some day. And he will hug me and hold me and talk back. The death of our human bodies is only a temporary separation of a love that will continue for all eternity when we meet again in heaven.

He finished his work here on earth. He won the prize. And I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he heard the words we would all be so blessed to hear at the end of our lives: "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

*the title of this post is taken from part of a sermon given by Henry Scott Holland in 1910.  It is what my Pippa wanted included in his funeral bulletin. Here is the whole excerpt:

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you,
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you for an interval,
somewhere very near, just round the corner.
All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

This was the sunset tonight as seen from the backyard of the house where my Pippa took his last breath.  The house where he raised his family.  The one constant home I've known.  The circle of life is a beautiful thing.

The Other Side

Oh, the blessings that come only through the endurance of trials...


I don't know if it was coincidence or God-incidence that my fog lifted the day I got back into God's word.  It didn't happen after asking God for relief, because I was so self-absorbed that it didn't occur to me to pray about it.  It was almost like it was a wonderful consequence of obedience, of time spent with God, because my bible study had started back up.  This Spring session, I have the privilege of leading the women whom I've sat along side of for the past few studies.  I am so honored that I was asked, and I hope that I serve those precious women in humility.


We are studying the book of James, and other than learning oodles and gobs of stuff I never knew (I love it when that happens!!!), I am seeing firsthand how God can most certainly replace anguish with joy.  We are called by James in chapter 1 verse 2 to "consider it all joy" when we encounter "trials of various kinds".  This doesn't mean slap on a smile and call yourself Martyr.  We are told to CONSIDER it joy.  There are lots of different definitions of the word "consider", but the one that pops into my mind first is "think carefully about".  In the midst of a problem, does it really help to be solely focused on the problem itself?  Isn't it much more beneficial to maybe identify the cause in order to focus on the solution?  Or meditate on what can be learned from the current predicament that can be used for good in the future?


Another great thing about this passage is that James goes on to tell us why we should do this thing that feels so very foreign to us, this rejoicing during hardships. Verse 3 says, "because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."


And why should we care about perseverance?  Verse 4 says, "Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."


As for me, I know that one of my goals in life is to mature.  Physical maturing inevitably happens to us all, but seriously, is there any more off-putting a quality in an adult than the Peter Pan Syndrome?  Someone who acts their shoe size rather than their age?


I have never felt "old" enough to see myself as a mentor.  Yes, I have been married a long while and I am the mother to two children, but I am still very much a child in my own mind and in the eyes of my parents.  They are still alive and still dispensing much-needed advice.  At least they were up until a couple of months ago.  Since then, my life circumstances have been turned upside down.  They are now such that my parents need care rather than providing it, and I find myself as the comforter rather than the one being comforted.


It certainly was a shock to my system, and I think for awhile, I didn't know how to cope.  It was as if I was called to mature overnight.  I was no longer a child in the eyes of my parents; they were calling on me for help and advice.  It wasn't until I processed that and assumed my new role, that I began to see outside my very me-centered perspective.  I began to recognize and respect the Circle of Life for what it is.


We are meant to grow and mature in this life.  We are meant to live full lives, lives of completeness. Children don't enter the world with the tools or the fortitude to see a project to completion.  They must learn those life skills (among many others) as they grow up from adults who have gone before them.  There is a point in everyone's life where they cross the threshold from childhood to adulthood.  From immaturity to maturity.  From needing to giving.


And the way God does this growing-up of us is this thing called Life.  It's not easy and it's not for the faint of heart, and I am soooo thankful we don't have to go it alone.  Even if we have no earthly mentors, He has provided all we need with the Holy Spirit who lives in us and His holy word.  We don't have to learn life skills from other "children".  There would be less learning and more trial-and-error in that scenario.


Instead of throwing a tantrum about how unfair life is (cuz that's no real shocker to anyone, I'm sure), I am going to examine my trials and consider choosing joy instead of anguish.  Even if my circumstances aren't, my attitude is completely in my control, and I'm gonna choose what to do with it.

The only difference between a good day and a bad day is your attitude. ~ Dennis S. Brown

2012 Started Out With a... Fizzle?

Hellooooo strangers!

I feel like I need to re-introduce myself, it's been so long since I've written...

So much happened during the "silent" weeks that I can only talk about them after the fact.  And I am SO thankful I can tell you about them in the past tense.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am not a negative or pessimistic person.  Can I get an amen?  But I have got to say, I have been through the proverbial wringer since, oh, about Thanksgiving.  I am just now on the other side of it all.  Praise Jesus!  Hallelujah!!  Can I get another amen?! (HAHA I had bible study today and I'm still a little "high") ;)

I am not going to go through allll the details of the drama that went on in my life but I will list some of them just so I can keep an account of what I've been through and how I've triumphed in some of those areas.

1.  My Pippa (technically my "grandfather", but the only earthly father I've ever known) has Alzheimer's and was hospitalized right after Thanksgiving.  Although he is home now, he is in need of 24-hour care and is likely bedridden for the rest of his days.

2. My Neana (my grandmother, and the woman who raised me alongside my own mother) is worried about how to take care of the man who has taken care of her since she was 17 years old.

3. I got sick for a week at Christmas, which forced me to miss going home and visiting my family.

4. Dealing with migraines a couple of weeks later prevented me from visiting again.

5. Both my kids' birthdays are in January so I've been busy with all the stuff that goes along with that.

6. I am going to the chiropractor 3x/wk for my neck.  I am pretty much out of commission the rest of the day after my treatment, because of icing on/off every 30 minutes and pain.

7. I need to schedule a hysterectomy.

8. My mom and sister are going through personal trials, and I hurt for them.

Whew.

For a period of about 8 weeks, I was in a fog, maybe even clinically depressed.  I was gripped by something, almost trapped inside myself, and I just "didn't feel like me".  I have never struggled in that way before, so I'm not sure what it was, but I'm calling it a fog, because one day it lifted as suddenly as it set in.  Praise the Lord! Hallelujah again!!! :)

I am thankful to be free from that and back to my old self, and now I am reflecting on how this relates to God, now that I can see past my own eyeballs.

But I am saving that for another post.  Really, more than anything, I just wanted to say HI! :)  See you soon!

The Final Awakening

Watching the man who raised me

sleep

is oddly comforting to me

Active in slumber

Engaged in conversation

and

Performing medical procedures

with ease not found in consciousness

Laughing

Hands busy at work

Acting out memories

just out of reach during his waking hours

The thief has stolen

most of his conscious thoughts

And carried them away

to somewhere foreign

Names of loved ones

His favorite pasttime

His current location

Things you think you yourself would never, ever forget

Are lost to him

But not to us

We remember

We see past the heartache of dementia

We see him

The husband, the father, the grandfather, the doctor, the friend

We know his likes and dislikes

and try to make him comfortable

Dressing him in his favorite clothes

Feeding him his favorite foods

But we can’t make him remember

So we let go of the frustration

And just love

the shell of the man before us

He is the embodiment of our memories

of him

And of us

We must remember for both of us

because he is the one who loved us from the beginning

So we will love him to the end

Somewhere deep down

in a place the thief hasn’t found

his memories linger

In sleep, he is my Pippa

once again

He laughs

He loves

He remembers

The part of him that makes him “him”

is the part of him that will live on

long after

his earthly vessel

is no more

I know that I will see him again

and that he will remember

me

And he will be the one to remind me

of everything I missed

while he was asleep.

-----

*post title taken from Walter Scott: "Death--the last sleep? No, it is the final awakening."

Welcome, Great Pumpkin

(Source)

I don't know if it's the colors or the smells that make Fall my favorite season. Or the cool weather that comes in to rescue me from the summer heat.  Ahhh...there are so many things that I love about fall.

I was soooo looking forward to going to the Arboretum with my camera a couple of weeks ago.  I had planned to drive through for coffee and show up early to enjoy those cool morning hours amongst the beauty of nature.

Welllll..... the day my friend and I went happened to be the last 100° day of the summer, and my hopes for drinking coffee outside were shot.  I guzzled down my coffee in the comfort of my air-conditioned car, shed the jacket I had brought, and entered the park. 

The profuse sweating began almost immediately, to the extent that strangers were coming up to me and asking me if I was feeling OK.  To which I said, "Well... except for the fact that I look like I just stepped out of the shower and peed my pants, I'm fine."  Not kidding.  It's days like that when I find myself completely miserable in the heat, and notice that other people are walking around without a drop of perspiration on them, that I wonder WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING LIVING IN TEXAS?!?!  Hmmph.  I digress...

Anyway, except for the weather, I had The Perfect Day.  The pumpkins were gorgeous, the skies were clear, and the sunlight dappling through the trees was amazing.

So, it leads me back to my original questions...is it the colors that I love?

Or is it the textures?

Is it nature's lovely details?  {Seriously, does anyone pay attention to the beauty of a spider web if it's strung across dead, overheated shrubbery?}

Is it the colors?

I stalked this little guy for a good 20 minutes

Or is it how much fun you can have making giant warthogs out of hay?

Or is it the cute names they give to pumpkins?

Favorite!

It must be all of the above because I love it all!

Happy Fall, Y'all!!